Book Review: “A Woman Is No Man” by Etaf Rum
Håfa adai! April is Arab American Heritage Month and Autism Awareness Month in the United States. For the first two weeks of April 2025, I will post reviews of books that are written by Arab American authors and depict important experiences and stories of those identifying as Arab Americans. My second selection for Arab American Heritage Month 2025 is A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum.
A brief history of Arab American Heritage Month is forthcoming and will be added to this post at a later date.
This book review consists of two parts: a spoiler-free plot summary and my thoughts on the story. In the second part, I give my personal rating and break down the setting and worldbuilding, storytelling, cast of characters, and themes. There may be some lightweight spoilers—such as how characters interact with each other and the world around them—but I will not give away any major plot twists or endings. I want to share my opinions of the book and maybe encourage you to purchase a copy of your own.
Click on the tags at the bottom of this post to see all reviews with the same tags in the Fiction bookshelf.
Spoiler-Free Plot Summary
Isra was only 17 years-old when her marriage to Adam was arranged in 1990 and she made the move from Palestine to the Bronx, New York. She believed in love and dreamed of a certain life with her new husband in a new country. But that dream quickly shattered, causing her to lose faith that she could earn anyone’s love. In 2008, 18 year-old Deya—Isra and Adam’s eldest child—has her eyes on one thing after graduation: college. Her grandmother Fareeda, however, has different plans for her, pressuring the young woman to meet with suitor after suitor. Fareeda survived war-torn Palestine to bring her and her husband to New York in the 1970s. Surrounded by uncertainty and change, she clings to strictly conservative ways even if they harm her and the other girls and women of her family. Fareeda holds on to the past to handle the present and brace for the future, but Deya does not want to repeat the past.
Important Trigger Warning for A Woman Is No Man
A Woman Is No Man depicts substance abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, unexpected infant deaths (not SIDS), murder, and suicide. These themes are essential to the plot. If these are themes that cause you distress or discomfort in any way, then please take steps to prepare and protect yourself before and after reading this book.
My Thoughts on A Woman Is No Man: 5 stars!
A Woman Is No Man takes place in the Bronx, New York with some scenes occurring in Palestine. The story follows the lives of three women across two timelines: Isra from 1990 to 1997, Deya in 2008, and Fareeda alongside both Isra and Deya’s timelines. Etaf Rum utilizes a third-person limited perspective to give the reader an intimate and horrifying look into Isra, Deya, and Fareeda’s first-hand accounts. Writing multiple individuals across multiple generations of a single family can be tricky, yet Etaf Rum is able to create distinct voices and arcs for Isra, Deya, and Fareeda to explore intense yet important themes.
From my interpretation of the story, there were seven broad themes that stood out to me as I read A Woman Is No Man: (1) generational trauma and the cycle of abuse; (2) diaspora and fear of the known vs. fear of the unknown; (3) the weight of rigid expectations; (4) maladaptive coping mechanisms; (5) the use of religious belief to hide mental health issues; (6) the power of storytelling; and (7) the cost of love. In describing these, I will be intentionally vague and brief to avoid unintentionally giving away any spoilers.
The first and most apparent theme throughout A Woman Is No Man is generational trauma and the cycle of abuse. Every individual in this story, man or woman, is a victim of generational trauma. Many of them go from victims of abuse to perpetrators of abuse, thus repeating the cycle and ensuring the traumatization of the next generation. Several characters even engage in what I call “trauma competitions” where they invalidate the experiences of younger generations by saying what they went through was worse. By the end of the story, it becomes apparent that—while one is in the thick of it—breaking the cycle of abuse can sometimes seem to be more terrifying than repeating it.
The second broad theme that stood out to me is comprised of two parts: diaspora and fear of the known vs. fear of the unknown. The individuals depicted throughout this story are a diaspora Palestinian family living in New York. A diaspora community is one where its members have dispersed or left their homeland for a variety of reasons. For one generation of the family, their experience of diaspora originates in fleeing from the violence of war-torn Palestine. Once in America, these family members develop a clear sense of either being Palestinian/Arab/Muslim or being American, but they cannot be both. After losing their home and their community, it seems preferable to hang on to the terrors of systems you already know versus facing a possibly terrifying unknown. This is presented in the way Fareeda refuses to forgo arranged marriages for her children and grandchildren, even though she witnesses and experiences first-hand the harm it causes.
Tightly clinging to old and harmful practices establishes the weight of harmful expectations. For Adam, the eldest of his siblings, there is the expectation to financially provide for his entire family without his wants or needs ever being taken into consideration. For every woman and girl in the family, there is the expectation to be married off as soon as possible and give birth to sons as quickly as possible without their wants or needs ever being taken into consideration. The rigid way in which their family abides religious rules and cultural expectations leads many of the characters to develop maladaptive coping mechanisms. Adam turns to substance abuse as his way of coping while Isra tries to convince herself that she can earn Adam’s love through silence and servitude.
A theme that becomes apparent in the latter half of the story is the use of religious belief to hide mental health issues. The chronic depression of one character is explained by another character as a form of possession, that that person (and the family) are being tormented by a type of spirit known as a Jinn. This is one of many specific things that occur throughout the story that perhaps anyone raised in a strict/hardcore religious household can relate to. I had heard many relatives throughout my childhood (and even adulthood) say that someone’s mental health struggles were not caused by abuse or generational trauma but instead were caused by demonic intimidation or possession.
The sixth broad theme I want to point out is how the power of storytelling can be used as either projection for a desired truth or a tool to show the real truth. For one character, she initially views stories as a means to envision a life and world she wants to live in. She admires the protagonist of her favorite story for that protagonist’s persistence and strength. Yet, tragically, this one character will have the opposite fate as that protagonist. For another character, she seeks out stories that more closely depict real life. She wants the truth to be highlighted and never hidden or warped. For her, the truth is something that should be looked at directly and, if its reality is too dangerous, used to give one the ability to walk away.
The seventh—I cannot say “final”—theme that stood out to me was the notion that love must cost something. This is technically a lightweight spoiler but I cannot talk about A Woman Is No Man without bringing this to attention. As I said earlier, Isra initially believes that she can earn Adam’s love over time. This is a notion that is presented in multiple ways across more than one character. Many brought up in a strict/conservative religious family (regardless of what that religion was) are familiar with the abusive misconception that love is highly conditional and must be earned. But that is absolutely not true. In the context of family, love should be patient, kind, and unconditional. It should not cost anything. In the context of the self, the only individual’s love you must learn to develop, see, and accept is your love for yourself. And that is the journey some of the characters take in this story.
I give A Woman Is No Man 5 out of 5 stars! Etaf Rum’s debut novel is a beautifully written yet heartbreaking story about diaspora, generational trauma, and the different prices people can pay to break the cycle of abuse. Etaf Rum carefully explores terrifying themes that are relatable to many who are members of diaspora communities, who experienced or observed abuse, and who have experience with strict conservative religious upbringings. I have a bias for stories with sad and tragic endings, and A Woman Is No Man has an ending that nearly brought me to tears. I highly recommend A Woman Is No Man while recognizing that the themes depicted throughout the story may be too triggering for many readers. I am immensely grateful to have experienced Etaf Rum’s debut novel yet, because of the intensity of its themes, may not revisit it for a while.
Dångkulo' na' saina ma'åse'! Thank you so much for reading my review of A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum.
Rating Cheat Sheet
4.75 - 5.00 stars: Everyone should read this book! (If you’re into that sort of thing.)
4.00 - 4.50 stars: I appreciated many aspects of this book. I recommend it!
3.00 - 3.75 stars: I liked some aspects of this book. I won’t revisit it, but someone else might really like it.
2.00 - 2.75 stars: There were some things I appreciated about this book, but I do not recommend it.
0.25 - 1.75 stars: I do not recommend this book. I did not enjoy or appreciate the experience of it.
Post Date: 14 April 2025
Published: 7 September 2021
Publisher: Astria Books
